Why I will keep spending money on my children

On Facebook recently a few people have shared an article from the Telegraph about a woman's quest to not spend anything on her son for twelve months. In summary, the woman's goal was, for an entire year, not to spend money on kid-specific food, clothes, toys, activities, nappies or haircuts.  The shared article (and her blog entries) are then usually followed by comments by women noting how little they've bought their children and how often their children wear hand-me-downs. Or, how guilty they feel about the money that they do spend.

Now, as a disclaimer, I do agree that kids probably don't need half of what is bought for them, and that in theory it's wasteful to spend loads on clothes that are worn for a short period of time when they can be acquired second hand relatively easily. There are also loads of things to do with your children that are free, nature is the best playground and so on, and that landfills being filled with disposable nappies can't be a good thing.  According to my Facebook feed, I know some people who haven't bought anything for their children at all, and I know women who very rarely use disposable nappies. Good on them, I say.

But, after giving the issue some thought, I have very clearly decided that this path isn't for me and I will keep spending money on my children. Here's why:

Things travel and stay-home parenthood have in common

Travel and parenthood tend to be placed on opposite ends of some sort of fun/responsibility spectrum, where one end is how you spend the footloose and fancy free part of your life before the grown-up and responsible phase kicks in. Travel is supposed to be the thing you get out of your system, before you start caring about interest rates and decile rankings. The closest I have gotten to real travel recently is looking at other people's pictures on Facebook.

I have been thinking today, though, about how there is a lot that stay-home parenthood and travelling actually have in common.  Perhaps I have too much time on my hands as a stay home mum, and perhaps I am grasping at straws in a deluded fashion, but here are ten things they have in common:

1. Sleep deprivation.  Jet lag wakes you at odd hours, and we had many an early morning to catch a bus, plane or train. So, it's just like now with a toddler.and a newborn!

2. Sleeping in odd uncomfortable places. An airport floor while waiting for an early flight. A toddler's bed when they can't sleep on a stormy night. The discomfort of an Indian slat bed. The discomfort of the aforementioned toddler deciding my pillow is just the place for his feet when the storm does lull him to sleep. Exactly the same!

3. Being hassled. When travelling, I was often hassled to buy a person's wares, or to give them money, or to ride in their taxi/auto rickshaw/tuk tuk. Now I'm hassled to put on Peppa Pig and provide a never ending supply of Tiny Teddies.

The Last Thursday

Two Thursdays ago was my last Thursday. By which I mean it was the last day I'll have at home from work with just Amotai. Both of my recent employers have been good enough to allow me to work longer hours on the other four days of the working week, plus chalk up some work during his nap, to be at home on Thursdays. This has helped me shift from being a stay-at-home dad to going back to work. It's been really good, for me as a dad and I think for him too. Mum, as you'd expect, is Amotai's number one parent, but the time off with him has helped even things up a little.

There was a time I got stuck in a rut of doing the same thing every week, and there's been times when it's been a bit stressful, when I had chores and urgent work to do and a boy who wasn't sleeping. But in the last few months, I've got the balance right. I juggled work so there was nothing with a deadline that day. I did more chores at other times so I could take it easy on Thursday. I mixed it up a bit and left our suburb or met a friend.

"Plane!"

My memory is rubbish, so I'd like to record that last Thursday for posterity. If that sounds as interesting as staring at a beige wall (and non-parents especially, I totally understand) then read no more!

Pregnancy take two

It's with a real feeling of deja vu that I wrap up work almost exactly two years after I did last time, to have a baby due a mere three days before Amotai's second birthday. In many ways, being pregnant again feels very similar, especially as the seasons change at the same rate as I slow down. In both cases, I felt seedy and dehydrated in late summer, experienced the lovely second 'glowing' trimester over autumn and early winter, and am now starting to slow down at the same time that daffodils start to appear. I have now worn my ugly pregnancy coat for a second winter.

There are differences, though, doing this pregnancy malarkey a second time. Of note:

Non-motherhood things that have changed

As I said in my last entry, Amotai turned one a few weeks ago. It was a fabulous day, and special mention goes to both Tane's and my mothers as well as Marilyn for making epic journeys to Wellington especially. Amotai turning one had Tane and I both reflecting on the past year. 99% of the things we dwelt on pertain to our pointing, babbling, crawling, laughing little boy. There are some other things that have changed, however, that only indirectly relate to him:

1. National Radio. I never really listened to this before, but have grown to love it. There were days when Amotai was small and I was drowning in nappies that National Radio was the only time I engaged my brain for an entire day.

2. Getting to know the 'burbs. I fancied that I knew Wellington before. I realise now that I didn't really - all I knew was Central Wellington. Due to my antenatal group living all over town as well as joining up to all sorts of other activities in out of the way locations, for the first time I got to know places I'd only seen the signs to before.

3. Cheese. Mmmm. Cheese. Before getting pregnant, I had forgotten how delicious it is. Cheese, I will never forsake you again.

4. Baking. I've learnt how to bake and decorate a cake, motivated by wanting to do it myself for Amotai's birthday. In fact, I ended up making two in the end, a plan A and a plan B. I was stoked that both of them worked.

10 ways you know you're getting older

Tane and I were looking through photos earlier from when we had only been together about a year.  There were a few things that strike me about this photo: you can't see grey hair on either of us, we look much younger, and I don't think I've seen my Edmond's Cook Book since. When Amotai looks at this photo in years to come, I imagine he'll think his parents look like totally different people than the ones he knows. I also hope he doesn't look too much in the background, because he will see the rude shaped cookies our then flatmates baked.

This is one of many things recently that has made me feel that I am getting older. Wiser, of course, and happy with my age, but still older. These are others:

1. Feeling a little miffed when kids in uniform don't give up their seats on the bus. What an old fogey! I'd like to think in my day it was different, but it wasn't. I just didn't care.

2. Seeing clothes in Glassons that look exactly like the outfit I wore to the Form 2 disco. Have I really been through an entire fashion cycle in my life?

3. Playing board games with friends regularly, while having trouble remembering the last time I played drinking games.

4. Hanging out with friends and everyone comparing their sports injuries, physios and chiropractors. Being very aware of how I could injure myself whenever I do hard exercise.

5. Listening to the National Radio on the walk to work, rather than ZM. Feeling like I have read every Cosmopolitan and Cleo before.

Stay-at-home fatherhood

One of the best features of New Zealand's parental leave laws is that the year of unpaid, job-protected leave can be split between both parents. Lauren finished up her stint in April and it's my seventh week of being a stay-at-home dad.

I've got a fine role model for this - my father's held the home front and looked after a succession of kids for decades, while mum went to work. It was a rare man who took on that role back in the 80s and it's still unusual now. Though things are slowly changing, even in liberal Wellington there are few stay-at-home dads. For example, when I take Amotai to a baby-focused activity (e.g. sing-a-long at the local library) there's about one man for every ten women. I've not seen another man at the Plunket talks I've been to.

Parenthood

Yes, I am afraid that I am going to be one of those people who once blogged about foreign adventures and exciting places that, once having a child, blogs about little apart from them. Don't say you haven't been warned! I must also warn you that as my baby has broken cuteness records today, this post will be cheesier than a pizza with extra cheese. I hope that the proclamations of love for my son don't move you to vomit in your own mouth. I should probably put an rating on this entry - rated c, for corny.

If you are still reading, I wanted to write a list about the things I love about being a mum. Amotai is almost 5 months old now, and it's been an amazing time. I'd be lying if I said I loved every minute (especially the day of dyeing-all-the-washing-blue-after-being-pooed-on-doom), but I am having a pretty neat time. These are the things I am particularly enjoying:

1. When he smiles. So cheesy, but true.

2. The neat Mum-and-baby activities that are out there. I laugh at me of last year that worried about being bored while home with baby. If anything it's the opposite - there is so much to do. Active Mums, various other programmes that generally involve singing to the babies ... it's all quite fun.

3. Building on 2, re-learning all those old songs. Although, I confess to having to google the words to Rubber Ducky after some failed attempts to sing it during bath time.

4. Seeing the world through his eyes. It's hard to guess what will interest him - for example, today he ignored a small river, a native bird that flew across our path, and a colourful toy. In contrast, he spent ages stroking the couch.

An Amotai eye view of some sheep

It's a great ride, anyway, and I look forward to what the future brings.

Things I have enjoyed about pregnancy

As many of you know, I am now over 38 weeks pregnant, so well and truly in that stage of pregnancy where I may be having a baby anytime. Being so close to the end, I have been reflecting on what I've enjoyed about pregnancy, and what I haven't. This is what I’ve enjoyed:

The scans. Given that we haven't had any bad news in any of ours (and I appreciate that if we had I would feel quite differently about them), the scans have been a thoroughly moving experience. The 12 week scan was especially special as baby moved his arms and legs, resulting in Tane and I looking at each other as if to say "there really is a baby in there!" It was cool.

The random cravings. These have been quite funny at times, and I have rediscovered food that I hadn't really eaten in years - cheese, fruit by the tin, and hot chips. Mmmmmm. Given I'm a person that tends to stick to my favourite foods when selecting what to eat, it's been quite fun having cravings for foods that take me in all sorts of directions. Of note, the entire avocado I ate on toast in one sitting, and the short-lived Big Mac phase.

Feeling baby kick. This is something I still enjoy, even now when he's been kicking for months and sometimes leave me feeling a little winded.

Speculation. What will he look like? Whose eyes will he have? Will he have much hair? The speculation about what he'll be like has been great fun.

It's interesting and exciting. It really is, going through so many changes in such a short space of time. I don't just mean physical changes either, but emotional changes that Tane and I have gone through to get ready for baby - things like moving to the ‘burbs, starting to notice what brand of pram other people have (whereas before they were all prams to me), and having discussions about swaddling. Pregnancy has opened an entire new world of things to think and talk about, and I am very, very excited about having a baby.

Getting excellent advice from other women. While there is a flip side to this (see below), I have enjoyed much of the excellent advice that many other women have given me about pregnancy and baby. I have also learnt a lot about other women's experiences, and found out new things from my Mum about my own birth and her pregnancies with me.

Things I have not enjoyed about pregnancy

Getting bad or disempowering advice from other women. This is the flip side of my last point, the bad or disempowering advice that some women give.
Being told you might miscarry if you walk on your feet in a certain way, or anecdotal theories plucked from the back streets of the Internet.
Being told about labour by some women in an unhelpful way. Some ladies are great with advice, and I hope to put their advice into practice. Some women, though, seem to just like telling gory stories and watching me squirm. Being told by some women about how bad it will all get, just wait, I'll see. I don't doubt that labour will be hard and agree that 38 weeks is harder on the body than 28 weeks, but when tired and sore at 28 weeks it is not helpful being told that it will get much, much worse. Especially when it didn't get much, much worse (touch wood thus far), just more waddling and less energy.

Worry about things going wrong. This is one aspect of pregnancy I haven't enjoyed, that little nagging voice in the back of your mind about what could go wrong. I understand though that this is a part of parenting as well, so may never be free of this one!

Being judged by others about food/drink/health. This isn't true for all people, but there are times when I can feel the judgement coming my way from someone who disagrees with food or drink I am consuming. And, sometimes the person judging may be in the right (ie Big Mac phase mentioned above), but that makes it more annoying, not less!

Feeling soooo tired some days. I really have had an easy pregnancy so can't really complain, but some days I feel like I have just run 15km although all I have actually done is walked to the shops. The only times in my life I'd ever felt like that before was when I had actually run 15km.

Gendered clothes. Earlier in pregnancy I got very frustrated at baby clothes being so clearly divided into boys' and girls' sections. Not only does it make no sense and have no basis in nature, but the pink/blue divide appears to be one giant marketing ploy. This rant aside I have become more wearily accepting that this is the reality of the children's clothing market, but I still don't like it.

The baby industry. Shops like the Baby Factory and Baby City have a lot going for them, and I have spent a great deal of time (and money) in them over the past months. At risk of sounding overly cynical, though, it seems that there really is a baby industry centred around making mums-to-be feel that they are somehow failing their unborn children by not buying certain things, or buying cheaper versions or things like cots. Because of this, it is impossible to know how much you actually need something. Navigating the baby industry really was one area where I really did appreciate the advice of other women who have had kids themselves.